


My Boyfriend from Rivia is Totally Real

by anarchycox



Series: Witcher Bingo Card Prompts [4]
Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Courting Gestures, Fade to black sex, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Falling In Love, Jaskier lies through his teeth, M/M, briefly presumed dead, geralt is a bit of a troll, happy ever after, showing off for a rival
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:13:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24612835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anarchycox/pseuds/anarchycox
Summary: Jaskier accidentally lies to Valdo Marx that he had Geralt are in fact dating. And then he decides to roll with the lie and it just keeps growing and growing.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Series: Witcher Bingo Card Prompts [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1746034
Comments: 159
Kudos: 1639
Collections: Interesting Character and/or Interesting Relationship Development





	My Boyfriend from Rivia is Totally Real

**Author's Note:**

> For my bingo card window: fake dating

Jaskier was at Oxenfurt packing up. “He won’t be looking for you.” He just flipped Valdo off as he stood in the doorway watching Jaskier. “No seriously, the continent is huge and you just expect to run into the witcher again. Do you even know where to look for him?”

“Destiny will guide us back together,” Jaskier said with the surety of a man who turned twenty that winter. “Lead us to each other once, it will do so again.” He knew this, it was obvious, why no one else saw that it was obvious he didn’t quite understand. But he certainly didn’t care. He nodded and he checked his travel pack again. He had watched Geralt all last summer and fall, he knew how to pack and he had learned what to pack. This year would go a better now that he was prepared for the road.

“He won’t want you, no one ever does after a night or two.”

Jaskier didn’t respond to that, because Valdo was just being Valdo, and what he was saying was what his other friends had been whispering for the last two weeks as he made his plans to set out. They didn’t understand, and that was fine. They didn’t have to, they just had to not be in his fucking way like Valdo was. He did a last look around the room and sighed a bit as he looked at his bed. It was a very good bed, he would miss that. But he had a bedroll this time, that would help a lot.

And the things he would see on the path, what he would learn from his muse, would be worth any sacrifice. Not that he’d call Geralt his muse to the witcher’s face. He was an idiot at times, eager for what the world offered, but he had figured out what sort of words pushed that man’s buttons. “Well, try not to ruin all the education I gave the students this year.”

“Why would he even want you with him?”

Jaskier would swear to his dying day that some trickster god had taken over his body, because there was no human way that he would have stared Valdo dead in the eye and said the next sentence of his own volition. “I am fairly certain that he wants his boyfriend with him, Valdo. People as in love as we are, tend to want to be with each other. And our love is so fucking strong, destiny will bring us back together very quickly, indeed.” Jaskier swept up his lute and his pack and stormed out of his room, pushing Valdo forward as he went. He locked up and honestly what he had said, didn’t properly process in his mind until he was an hour outside Oxenfurt.

Then he realized that he had told Valdo that he and Geralt were dating. And in love. As in a grand destined love, he thought. The only word he properly remembered was boyfriend. Well, Geralt would kill him. He hoped it would be a quick death at least. He kept walking and thought about it. He had shouted it at Valdo, that was it. No one else had heard and Valdo wouldn’t share it about. It would gain him nothing. Hell, the man was so self absorbed he would likely have forgotten that Jaskier said that by dinner time.

So really as long as he didn’t say anything, it would be fine.

There was nothing to worry about. Jaskier started whistling and eventually he came to a fork in the road. He closed his eyes and waited. Eventually a breeze brushed against him and pushed just a little to the right. Jaskier headed down that road, and a week later there was Geralt. “Geralt! Good winter?”

“Hmm,” Geralt said. He was adjusting the saddles straps on Roach and didn’t say anything else. But when he remounted, he didn’t set off right away, gave a raised eyebrow to Jaskier.

“Why yes, I am happy to travel with you again,” Jaskier beamed up at him. Geralt gave Roach a nudge and they were off. Jaskier told him all about his winter, and Geralt said absolutely nothing and something relaxed in Jaskier’s shoulders because Geralt never increased Roach’s pace or told him to shut up. That was as clear an I missed you as anything was. When they camped that night Geralt grunted and nodded a bit when he saw what Jaskier had packed.

Jaskier smiled. He knew Geralt wanted him around.

*  
“Welcome home, Jaskier,” a history instructor said as Jaskier walked back into the Universities main grounds. “Was it a good summer?”

“It was,” Jaskier smiled at his associate. “I learned much, and am eager to share it with the students. After a bath and a shave. Last couple weeks were rather busy. Going to drop my stuff off and head to the bath house.”

“Of course, of course. I hope you’ll join me for dinner. I am eager to hear about the adventures you and your partner had.”

Jaskier was about to accept but paused. “Partner?”

“Yes, Valdo explained. No wonder you were eager to head out, missing your boyfriend and all. You should have told us you were with that witcher in a romantic sense! Cannot wait to learn of your travels this year, Jaskier.”

“Cannot wait,” Jaskier repeated. He felt a little faint. He went to his room, and dropped off his bags. When he emerged, there was Valdo, smirking. “Excuse me,” he said. “Headed to the bath house before they close.”

“How was your boyfriend?” Valdo asked. 

“Wonderful, amazing, incredible.”

“You aren’t dating him,” Valdo said. “Because if you were it would make it into a song. You just write about his heroics, nothing more.”

“Because he is a private man, and his romantic gestures are meant for me and no one else.” Jaskier glared at him. “Some things are private Valdo.”

“Not to you they aren’t. You’ve written a song about almost everyone else you’ve fucked.”

“Didn’t love them, like I do him. He would hate it, so I don’t do that. Because I fucking respect him, Valdo. You might try respecting people sometimes. Amazing what can happen.” Jaskier stormed by him. In the bath house, once clean he sat in a tub and cursed. Fuck, the whole university guaranteed thought he and Geralt were dating. He could say they broke up, but then Valdo would make comments about yet another person getting tired of Jaskier, or Jaskier being his eternal fickle self. And like fuck he would ever admit that he made it up.

There was only one solution and that was to lie through his teeth all winter. Which he did. He talked of their grand romance, showed the dried flowers in his journal that Geralt had gifted him. It wasn’t even a lie. Geralt on the road picked every damn flower in sight for his various potions and always gave Jaskier a few sprigs to carry now that he had a pack of his own. And there were always leftovers after potion making so he had pressed them into his journal where he wrote about his guesses as to their properties, made up silly little poems about them. 

People swooned at the thought of a mighty witcher giving flowers to their boyfriend. Valdo glowered. Over the winter word spread and even when he went to the shops people were commenting about how eager he must be for spring to arrive, to be with his boyfriend again.

Shit. Come spring, Jaskier packed up and several people actually waved him off. Jaskier realized that he had to make sure that Geralt never stepped near Oxenfurt. Well, there were lots of cities and villages on the Path. It was all fine.

Just fine.

Jaskier set out, and this time it only took a couple days to find Geralt. It was almost like Geralt was coming to find him. “Geralt, you look refreshed from your winter of rest. Where do we head?”

Geralt just grunted but there was a faint smile on his face and they headed south. That night, Jaskier was playing on his lute when something thumped beside him. It was a silver dagger. “Since you don’t listen and stay the fuck out of the way,” Geralt said. “Made you that this winter.”

Jaskier would not cry. He picked up the dagger and it was surprisingly light. He touched it and maybe lightly stabbed himself. “Ow. Sharp.”

“Of course it’s fucking sharp, it’s a dagger! Fuck, give it back before you kill yourself.”

“No, mine. You can teach me tomorrow how to stab things other than myself,” Jaskier very carefully put the dagger down. “Thank you.”

Geralt just grunted, but in the morning they didn’t set out right away, Geralt showing him some basic moves with the dagger. He barely stabbed himself and by the end of the season he had actually managed to maim a drowner with the silver dagger. Geralt had told him he wasn’t completely useless and it was the best thing he had ever heard.

When he strolled into the university he had the dagger displayed prominently on his hip, and tales of how Geralt had personally made him the dagger. He enjoyed the way everyone hung on his words, and how much Valdo glared at all the attention that Jaskier was receiving.

Jaskier had also earned enough this past travel that he was able to move out of the university into a proper space above a bookstore in town, a full apartment, not just a dorm room. It was his and it was perfect. He didn’t have a lot of spare money to decorate but he framed the dried flowers, perhaps any art of a wolf he found he bought. He had company over one night, and he rolled his eyes that Valdo had invited himself along but played good host. Valdo made fun of all the wolf art, and Jaskier relied on the manners his mother had drilled into him, and didn’t kill the man.

Everyone had a grand time, and perhaps got a bit tipsy. Which lead to people asking what Geralt was like in bed. 

Fuck.

Valdo snorted. “Clearly he’s a beast, he is a wolf after all. Bet his mounts you and fuck,” Valdo cut off as a glass of wine mysteriously got knocked onto his lap.

“Actually, he is quite gentle and loving,” Jaskier snapped. “He has to be with having such a giant cock.” Everyone stared at him and leaned forward. Why did he always let him mouth respond to Valdo without checking his brain first.

“How giant?” Essie asked eagerly. “We need to know…for poetic reasons.”

“Everything about witchers is…bigger,” Jaskier said delicately. They had bathed together enough that Jaskier was well aware of Geralt’s proportions. He had even caught the man masturbating once or twice and seen enough to be able to speak to things. “Witchers are all about control, and that extends to their more personal encounters. Hours of pleasure, can make you go insane with want, before he is satisfied that he won’t hurt you and then it is just pure heaven.” 

There were sighs and dammit Jaskier was a showman, and couldn’t help himself. He talked of how romantic Geralt actually was in bed, making it all up, because why not, right? A man could dream about his best friend. Hours later everyone left and Jaskier was pleased with the results of the first dinner party he had thrown. He was less pleased a couple weeks later when it was clear Valdo had written a thinly veiled song about Geralt being a wimp in bed. Which meant that Jaskier had to write a song about how good Geralt was in bed. The whole winter was just more and more conflicting songs about Geralt in bed. Luckily, Jaskier’s were the ones that caught on, not Valdo’s which just annoyed the man to no ends - an added plus really.

In the spring, Jaskier headed out as always and Geralt was at the crossroads not far out of town. He wasn’t even pretending that he hadn’t been waiting for Jaskier. A day later they were in a village and at the tavern someone requested one of the sex songs, which was a problem. But on the other hand Geralt never seemed to pay attention to what he sang. Jaskier sang the request, a bit concerned tales of their relationship had spread outside the city, but as he had guessed Geralt didn’t pay attention to the song at all.

That summer they found themselves in a royal court for a few days, dealing with a monster nest under the keep. Jaskier played for the household and its guests while Geralt hunted. And since the man wasn’t around, Jaskier couldn’t help himself and indulged in a few of the more romantic songs about Geralt, which were a huge hit with all the women. Jaskier soaked up the praise, and the extra coin that was pressed into his hands. 

Geralt was successful in his task, and only a few injuries which Jaskier tended to. “They want to celebrate you tonight,” Jaskier told him.

Geralt groaned. “Can’t they just pay and we leave?”

“Sorry, they want to heap praise on you, and want to hear a few more of my songs. I am a big hit here. They asked me to stay.”

“Are you?” Geralt wasn’t looking at him. “Soft bed, softer women. Not rabbit or squirrel for the fifth night in a row. Suppose that is better than -”

“Nothing is better than traveling with you,” Jaskier promised. “We’ll go, party, and tomorrow be on the road again. WE will leave together.” Geralt just sort of grunted. He reached for his clothes and oh hell no. “You are not wearing those to the party.”

Geralt shook his head. “Found this. During the hunt.” He pulled out a small rock, maybe quartz, likely not very valuable. It was black, with these veins of white and yellow. “Seemed like something you would like. You said once you wished you had something to hold down your loose papers when you worked.”

He had said that two years ago. And Geralt remembered. “Thank you, Geralt.” He moved the rock about in his hand and the veins of gold in it shone in the candlelight. “It will be perfect.” They dressed and went down to the feast. A few women told Geralt how lucky he was, and Geralt frowned and said it had been an easy hunt all in all Jaskier hustled them along before they could say anything else. Jaskier got up to play in between the main course and dessert and as ever Geralt did not seem to notice the songs were about him unless it was Toss a Coin.

That winter the rock had a prominent place on his table, and when he had people over, he perhaps very casually would point it out. This year Valdo also never forced his way into Jaskier’s little parties and Jaskier was rather relieved at it. It was a good winter, but he found himself eager for to spring to come quickly. Every year it grew harder and harder to be parted from Geralt. He missed his best friend. And sometimes, he liked to pretend the lies he had built were real, that Geralt was his boyfriend. That Geralt felt for him, the way that maybe Jaskier was growing to feel. It was stupid, but he was regularly a very stupid man.

He set out when he did every spring, but Geralt wasn’t at the crossroads that year. It was fine, he had set out a little early this year, eager to see the witcher. So he would travel the road and meet up with him in the next couple days. But he didn’t. There was no Geralt. He was a bit concerned but perhaps there had been more snow at Kaer Morhen this year and he had been delayed. Jaskier trusted destiny and took the path that felt right. 

And there was never Geralt. 

Jaskier never thought once that Geralt was avoiding him, he wouldn’t do that. The only thoughts he had were that Geralt had been injured, or died. But when he thought that he felt his heart crack and worried it would fall apart. He traveled and sang and constantly listened for word about the white wolf. But he never found him that whole season. When he returned to Oxenfurt everyone was eager to hear tell of this year’s adventures and Jaskier just shook his head. “Nothing different this year than any other.” He buried himself in work, so as to not think about Geralt. He had to put the rock in a drawer because it hurt so much to look at it. He didn’t throw any parties, and stayed away from people, until Essie insisted he come to a party.

And Valdo was there, just fucking perfect.

A few people asked after Geralt, and Jaskier was able to distract them, and it was all going as fine as it could, considering the greyness that had wrapped itself around Jaskier’s heart. Valdo had been watching him, and Jaskier knew he was just waiting to strike. Which he did when they were having after dinner drinks.

“So the white wolf dumped you, didn’t he?” Valdo smirked. “Because you always talk about him so effusively, but this year nothing. He got rid of you, and you are too pathetic to admit it.”

“Valdo,” Essie snapped, “Stop that right now. We all agreed, not to bring that up.”

The pitying looks he was tossed, infuriated Jaskier. Apparently they all assumed that, that Geralt had broken up with him. Jaskier began to laugh, and it grew and grew. He knew he was scaring his friends. “To get broken up with, you have to see a person. I didn’t see him the whole season.” He kept laughing and the pitying looks just deepened on everyone’s faces.

“He didn’t even care about you enough to let you down easy. Just didn’t show and thought your pathetic ass would get a clue. And look it didn’t. He is well rid of you, probably fucking -”

Jaskier had Valdo against the wall, the silver dagger at his throat. “He is a witcher, Valdo. There is only one reason he wouldn’t have met me.”

“What reason?” Essie asked. “Valdo is a jackass but -”

“Dead. The only reason Geralt wouldn’t have met me after four years of being together was because he was dead. Because that is what he was willing to do, die to protect this shitty world. You never mention him again Valdo, because if you do I will kill you.”

“Bet you never even dated him.”

“Yup, you are right, made the whole thing up,” Jaskier snarled. He shoved Valdo against the wall and stormed out. The funny thing was no one believed him when he told the truth, they all assumed it was because he was in mourning, that denying the relationship was his way to cope. It was an awful winter, people trying to be sympathetic, Valdo spreading whatever it was he decided to spread around. Jaskier didn’t write a single song. Because he had spoken it out loud and now had to deal with the fact he couldn’t escape.

Geralt was likely dead.

And he had very much fallen in love with the man at some point.

With that realization he was finally able to put quill to paper and write a song. A true song about their friendship and how he loved the white wolf. It took him a couple weeks to get it right, and he didn’t take it to his friends but went to one of the poor taverns and played it there. Among the sort of people they had always met on the road. He made fishermen cry, so he supposed it did what he wanted it to.

Jaskier felt a little bit better.

When spring was clearly on its way, Essie asked what he was going to do. He looked at her in confusion. “Head out of course.”

“But -”

“Maybe he’s out. Maybe he is dead; he’s probably dead but if I don’t go, I’ll regret it. I like it out there.” Jaskier hugged her. “I’ll be fine. Not too bad with the dagger he gave me you know.”

Essie arranged a goodbye party which was new, but he appreciated the sentiment. But of course Valdo crashed it a bit drunk. “Heard an interesting song,” he shouted. “About how Jaskier was never with the white wolf. Singing it on the docks. He never dated Geralt, not for a single moment. It was all a delusion of his.” Valdo pointed at him. “You are nothing but a big -” He was cut off because there was a huge commotion at the gates to the university’s garden.

“Sir, that garden is for faculty and upper students!” A guard called out.

“Jaskier is there, I can smell him,” a voice snarled.

Jaskier felt his knees grow weak, and Essie was there holding him up. “Can’t be.”

“Jaskier?” Essie was clearly worried, and he didn’t blame her, because he was pretty sure he was losing his mind.

“Sir, I am sorry but that is a private space.”

“Jaskier!” the voice shouted from the other side of the door. “Will you let me the fuck in?”

Jaskier stumbled towards the door and pulled it open. “What the fuck happened to your face?” was what he managed to say to Geralt.

“What the fuck do you think happened?” 

“Monster?” Jaskier whispered.

“Monster,” Geralt agreed. “Hello.”

“Hello,” Jaskier sort of nodded. He kept staring at Geralt. “Not dead then.”

“Clearly. Well, are we going?”

“Jaskier, introduce us?” Essie called.

Jaskier waved off the guards and nodded to Geralt. “One moment, then we can go get my pack and head out.”

Geralt grunted but came into the garden. Jaskier looked at his friends and Valdo. “Everyone, this is Geralt of Rivia, the white wolf witcher. Geralt these are my friends. And Valdo.”

“Hello. Nice to meet you. We’re going now. He’ll be back come winter.” Geralt nodded and turned.

“White wolf! I have information that will interest you,” Valdo called out.

“Fuck, we are going now,” Jaskier went white. “Love you bye.”

“He has spent years telling us that you two are boyfriends,” Valdo told Geralt. 

“That is fucking stupid why would he do that?” Geralt was frowning. He looked at Jaskier. “Does that work better in songs? Why would that work better in songs?”

“Ha!” Valdo crowed. “I knew he was full of shit, why would you want him?”

Geralt growled a bit and Jaskier was worried. That meant he was pissed off, and ready to snap. Looked like he wouldn’t be traveling with Geralt. He hoped Geralt just didn’t kill him.

“He’s allowed to be full of shit, he’s Jaskier. He’s the best at being full of shit. I don’t get it, but it isn’t killing monsters so I don’t particularly care. If saying we are dating works better in his songs, than saying we are mates, what the fuck do I care? Because he is mine either way.”

“Mates?” everyone said. Even Jaskier said it.

Geralt was looking at them in confusion. “Of course. Wolves mate for life. He traveled with me that first summer, and then sought me out after winter. We’re mates. He wears the dagger I made him. Mates. And we’re leaving now. As I said, I’ll return him for winter.”

“Why don’t you keep him with you in winter if you are mates?”

“Because he likes it here, he sings songs about his bed. I don’t like being apart, but it makes him happy so, I drop him off.”

“Where were you then last year?” Valdo challenged. “If you don’t like being without your ‘mate’ then why weren’t you with him?”

“I was planning it, but we got word that the cat school found a dragon nest and were going to kill them. The fight took the the whole season and then recovery was all winter. Came now, leaving now.” Geralt began to walk away.

“You know what he sings about you in bed? You come across quite -” 

Jaskier would not laugh at the sight of Valdo being tossed through the air with the gentlest of aards. He wouldn’t. He just gave a wave and head out after Geralt. They walked through the streets and he realized that Geralt was headed to Jaskier’s home. “How do you know where I live?”

“You’ve mentioned vaguely and I was able to smell you in the shop below. Followed the trail. Found you. We could make time tonight if you are packed.”

“My bed is big enough for both of us, we could head out in the morning?” Jaskier suggested. He took Geralt’s grunt as a yes. When they went upstairs he was a bit relieved that Geralt didn’t comment on all the wolf art he saw. He just stood in the room and looked at Jaskier. 

“Why were they so confused about us being mates?” Geralt finally asked.

“I have no idea,” Jaskier said without laughing. Oh Melitele, Geralt hadn’t been joking. He honestly thought them some sort of weird mates, a relationship of sorts. He had in fact not really been lying when he had said they were together years ago. “Some people just buy whatever they hear in songs.”

“You make up everything in your songs, to hide the truth.”

“I do. Some things are just for us.” Jaskier moved forward and lightly touched the scar on Geralt’s face. “I was so scared you were dead.”

“Sort of was. Just once or twice.” Geralt leaned into the touch. “Jaskier?”

“Hmm?”

“The wolf’s mate is the one to decide when they fuck. Do you know maybe when? Because I am willing to wait, but it was a long fucking year not having your scent next to me.”

Jaskier grinned and pulled Geralt in for a kiss. Several hours later they were exhausted and cuddled on the bed. “That distinctly seemed like one of the songs I wrote about you, you know.”

Geralt snorted a bit. “I know. Thought that was what you wanted.”

“It was perfect.” Jaskier linked their fingers together. “I missed you, Geralt.”

“I missed you too. But dragons. Have a gift from them for you in my pack.”

“That’s nice.”

“Also you said Valdo was an idiot. You never said how much. Can’t believe he thought we weren’t together.”

Jaskier smiled. “He is. We were so very clearly together.”

Geralt grunted. “Can I fuck you again?”

“Go nuts, don’t mind if I fall asleep though.” Jaskier moaned as Geralt pressed into him and he definitely did not fall asleep.

The next morning they left and when they stopped at the crossroads, Jaskier looked back to Oxenfurt. “You know, my bed is nice and all, but I don’t think after all that time apart, I’ll be ready to give you up come winter. Think you’ll be stuck with me.”

Geralt grunted and guided Roach down the road. 

Jaskier smiled, knowing that was yes. He began to whistle a jaunty tune. 

His brain finally caught up to everything. “Wait, what the fuck, Geralt? I remember you saying witchers don’t do relationships. And you are pretty damn adamant that wolf school means a fighting style, not that you are actual wolves. Was all that mated shit bullshit?”

Geralt and it was loud and joyous. “Of course it was, you hate Valdo -had to shut him up.”

“So why did we have sex last night?”

“Because you are hot and I missed you.”

Jaskier thought about it a bit. “I did lie to them for years about dating you. And you lied to them about us being mates. So…lies cancel each other out and become truth somewhere in the middle?”

Geralt smiled at him. “Middle sounds good.”

Jaskier smiled back. “It really does.” This was going to be a hell of a song to write after Valdo was dead. He wasn’t going to give that bastard the satisfaction of ever knowing the truth.

“You know, I do actually like the word mates. That is what we are sticking with,” Jaskier decided. Geralt grunted and Jaskier knew that was yes as well.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] My Boyfriend from Rivia is Totally Real](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28549563) by [Chantress](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chantress/pseuds/Chantress)




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